Premier League 1: The Critics are slammed and I get a Beer Bath

We returned. After some prelim drinking at Nevadas in the proceeding weeks, Nick, Devon and myself were limber and ready. Hungry for goals and thirsty for pints of ale. There was a certain jittery elation as we donned scarf and kit and began the trek we know so well. But lets be honest, this was a noon game. Nothing like the last two 7:45am seasonal beginnings which found us bleary eyed and helpless, like blind baby kittens fumbling for the nourishing milk of morning beers and football. This was a moment to be savored. And so it was.

It cannot have be overstated how disgustingly hot it was inside the church. Never has the human car wash of Nevadas been a stickier or nastier inferno. Now factor in that I was waring a scarf and what amounts to a mop on my head and you beging to get the picture. Here, in fact, is a picture.



Looks like I'm having a good time. And why not? We were magnificent. We drank like fish and sang like mighty tenors...oh, yes, Arsenal? Yeah, they did ok too. Six goals on opening day in one of our more difficult fixtures. I'll take it. A brace from fearless leader plus Denilson, a pair of high flying centre backs and

New Season, New Rules

Here are a couple of updates for the new year.

Songs:

Smilin' Jack Nick has worked relentlessly on his new song for the year where he sings Billy Joel's "Captain Jack" for Jack Wilshere. Genius. Obviously the lad has stepped it up and gave us all something to cheer about in the pre-season, so I think we should all hook him up with a tune. Its good to have a new fresh face youngster in the spotlight now that the wars have made Fabregas into a man, Walcott is now too sexy for his sideburn spikes and Denilson lives in the shadows, waiting. Here are the lyrics.

Smilin' Jack will score a goal tonight,
and take us to every cup final.
Oh Smilin' Jack will get us by tonight.
Just one kick and you'll be smiling.

Feel free to add the guitar riffs in between the lines, I know I will. But please, take the time to listen to this tune as it isn't an easy one to sing. Nick is convinced that Smilin' Jack himself listens to this song whilst he makes love to his groupies, but Nick doesn't realize that Jack Wilshere doesn't have sex because the abstinence keeps him lean and hungry.

Oh Djourou I haven't really field tested this one yet but my contribution this year is going to be setting lyrics to the legendary Biz Markie's great one-hit-wonder "Just a Friend". This song is well known, always funny and proven as a a group sing-along favorite.

Oh Djourou,
You've got what I need,
But they say you just defend.
Oh they say you just defend.
(repeat)

He still has yet to appear, so we'll see. Please post ideas or thoughts in the comments section or scream them into my ear at the bar after another beautiful goal.

Drinking Rules
Last year seomone concoted a preposterous notion about drinking a beer a half with one pre match beer (and also like, maybe, 3 or 4 post match beers, if we win) in in an effort to reduce our crippling morning alcoholism to manageable levels. This was dumb. I hereby abolish this tomfoolery and instate the first of many amendments to the Drink in the Morning FC charter:

1. When Andrei Arshavin scores a goal, you drink shot of vodka. No exceptions. Even if he happens to notch up four zingers, otherwise known as a "Tetris" (but that could never happen). Sack up boys, because with the 4-3-3 it looks like we're running, we could be in for some Dostoyevsky-like delusional benders.

2. Same applies for Smilin' Jack except with the sour mash whiskey which bares his name. I know he's not from tennessee, but it was either that or blowing the Rails that bare his name and I doubt we're up for that.

3. No Magners. Seriously bro, have some respect for yourself.

Please feel free to add rules through the comments section. This is but the first draft and there is room to add many more. I am currently drafting bills where we have to all order caipirinhas for Denilson goals just to fuck with Jack and all have to die our hair blonde if Alumunia scores.

Speaking of hair...



It is completed! After years of research with the finest scientific minds and a lot of procrastinatory xbox playing, I have taken the time to render the effervescent beauty of Bacary Sagna into a hat/wig for us all to wear. No, it's not really the right color, and yes, it does look like D-Block made me their bitch with a mop and a skullcap, but I think this is a stellar achievement for all man kind. I would even say it is the best thing to happen since the day Monsieur Sagna himself strolled into his local barber and said "Surprise me."

Well that concludes the updates. Let's get to the matches.

We're Back!

Indeed. Like 4-Man Army Compatriot Arjun, reliably late as well. Who cares though? Its all to play for. Arsenal is back. Drink in the Morning FC is back. Not so much Newcastle, but Footer as a whole is back! I know you all have probably seen this but lets watch again.



How terrifying is Denilson? Holy shit! He's right behind you! He pledges to be your shadow? Doesn't he need a van, some binoculars and a chloroform soaked rag for that sort of thing? I guess he's managed to shed his cutesy kid image.

I would like to see the extended cut where Eboue just kind of shrugs and smiles, Bischoff pledges to purchase Arsenal season tickets, and Adebayor resolves to buy a 14 karat gold face.

So now that we're back, where was I and what did I do? I got a job, which is going to a damper on my Champion's League football, but has taught me to speak html, so expect some fancier blog posts. Other than that, I became the world's fastest human, narrowly lost to God in connect 4 and cleared some bandits out of Burma, but I did not blog. Tough.

This new year is sort of working out like Arsenal's. I have made no new signings lately so we are simply going to have to count on the bloggers that we have and trust in them to develop and not blow off writing their posts to get smashed and watch post apocalyptic car racing movies. Have faith. Nick and I are determined, despite being written off early, to win the blogging equivalent of the Carling Cup or something.

Predictions: I think Arsenal will open up with a shocking 6-1 win at Everton where both our centre backs will score on headers.

LaLaLaLa!!

I'm not watching the game till 8:30 tonight because that's when Nevadas is showing it. This means that I have to stay clear of the internet. I can't even risk going on google image search for a picture for this post because I'm afraid I'll see some horrible shots of  a 3 nil Wigan beating with Wenger decapitated or some other horror. This was all Nick's idea. He shall pay. 

Hopefully, I'll see some of you folks tonight. Now I must recommence shutting the world out.

LaLaLaLaLa..........

Having a Laugh in the Champion's League

They say a draw is like kissing your sister, but sometimes it's like kissing your sister's hot friend. This was one of those times.

Away goal. 

United are in some trouble. 

Their fans are in the basement.  

And my top ten goals list is already obsolete.

What a goal! Even Jack was singing the praises of this winner. It appears Cesc And Emmanuel spent some time together on the bench concocting a brilliant plan. After rehearsing their routine to perfection against a hapless City, they were ready to unleash the combo that left Villareal, Madrigal Stadium and all us Gooners-in-Exile dazed and amused. Even Adebayor didn't know it was a goal for the first seven seconds. But it was a goal; a chest trapping bicycle kick of glory not unlike his wonders of last year against Tottenham and Newcastle. I'm gonna put this one at number #3 which knocks Arshavin back to 4th and, sadly, removes Abu from the tenth spot. 

Incidentally, I forgot in my last post to include two awards for Ugliest Goal so far and Best Awesome Thing.

William Gallas' "strike" against Dynamo Kiev during the CL group stage was more a bumbling, accident that spilled into the net than a part of Wenger's beautiful scheme. Still worth a point though. 

Best Awesome Thing definitely goes to Bacary Sagna for his Bicycle Save that kept Villa at bay back in December. This is the kind of never say die shit that makes me love the dread-locked golden boy.

But back to current news things. We got our away goal and can now return to Emirates with the advantage and the added motivation of possibly getting Porto in the next round. It's now a very real possibility considering the way Porto dominated United on their home turf. Looking even further down the road, Chelsea and Barca both looked scary today, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

The church was as riotous as ever. I brought my Lady Gunner who, while not really enjoying the process of drunken soccer, does quite plausibly fake the enjoying of drunken soccer. As such, she is surely Fan of the Match, but that could just be because she's sleeping with the guy who decides Fan of the Match.  

So we had us a laugh in the Champions league. We drank and sang with the usual suspects and cursed in frustration until the Togonator brought sweet release. The best part was that nobody realized the goal had actually happened. Between the bizarre TV cut, the silence of the stadium and the fact that we always assume Adebayor is offsides, no one was willing to accept it.  But then joy gradually dawned and we piled into a raucous and wet swarm of Gooners covered in Magners and love. What a bar.

We still have to win at home, or play the boringest game ever. Since we've proven to be masters of the nil nil draw this year, I can't see why that's improbable. On you Gooners! Let's play some ugly boring futbol and, for once, we could be that bastard squad who sits back in the box and kicks a team to death. But we'll probably go for the knockout blow, and good for us.

Until next time Gooners in Exile, enjoy Adebayor. Is he a Newsy? Is he about to drive take his new Model-T out for a drive? Maybe he's just too deep in thought to consider fashion.  

 

No Arsenal Makes Mark Worry

Of course, the second our form gets red hot and United and Villa start playing like the Farore Islands reserves, we get a big, fat international break. This, of course leaves me to my own devices where I can only imagine soccer rather than watch it. Granted Tomas Rosicky returns to score many beautiful goals in my imaginary unbeaten season, but that should illustrate why my imagination is of no consolation. So I worry. Let's be honest, we have a bit of a task ahead as we turn into the final stretch. Three "easy" games against Stoke, Boro and Portsmouth are on the docket. Remember that these match ups were anything but easy earlier in the season and you start to understand. Wigan and City are our next opponents and comprise our remaining mid-level matches. We can and should win both of these, but it is going to be a very dangerous time as our focus is going to be on Villareal in Champions League and Chelsea in the FA. Neither of these are slouch squads to say the least, but the real kicker comes next:

If we defeat Chelsea and Villareal, then we get a month's time in which we play Liverpool at Anfield, Chelsea again at Emirates, and Manchester United.....4 TIMES

Now, that isn't necessarily the case. Everton and Porto could maybe... or we could get lucky and... well maybe. Frack. 2 Champions League, a cup final at Wembley, and another trip to Old Trafford to finish it up. I'm gonna be so sick of peevish, ugly Rooneys and fo-hawked Ronaldos. 

Yep, the battles are coming. But we love the battles. We play much better at the top against teams which are not trying to kick us off the pitch or play for a draw. Bring it on.

Still, I needed some cheering up to stop all the inter-lull worries, so I got out my goal clips for the year and made a list. Here are the top ten goals so far this year:

10. Diaby vs Aston Villa (December)

Crucial game, great one man effort. Watching him skin two defenders with a back heel to himself was magical. A great pass by from Eboue and a cool finish, which we have lacked so much this year. Good for you Abou.

9. Fabregas vs. Sunderland (October)

I miss him so much. Forget that this was at the last second of the match. This strike is to be remembered because Cesc doesn't use his noggin ever, and he's not exactly the tallest bloke on the pitch. How he snuck pass two defenders and a keepers, I will never know. I'd put this goal on the list just to see how fired up he is afterwards. What a competitor.

8. Bendtner vs. Dynamo Kiev (November)

 

November was a weird month. We played eight matches, beat United and Chelsea but went down to Stoke, Villa and City. It looked like we were in for another lackluster performance and a nil nil result when Cesc launched a surprise long ball to Bendtner, who pulled it down beautifully and slotted it home with a cool finish. I know that don't sound right, but looking back, he's had a couple clean finishes throughout the year. But this confection is as much Spanish as it is Danish. Having been out so long, we really forget what Fabregas can do. You especially forget how beautiful a leading pass can be. If anyone is going to boost us through the this homestretch, it'll be the skipper.

7. Vela vs. Wigan (November Carling Cup)

He'd already scored a very similar goal against Sheffield U earlier in this competition, but this one had all the Vela characteristics on it. Wigan was gutted, but the Mexican's pace and trademark chip left us all stunned, including Chris Kirkland, whose dumbfounded expression says it all. We all have a lot to look forward to with this kid.

6. Van Persie vs. Chelsea (November)

Now, I've tried to focus on the goals themselves, and not the scenarios in which they were scored, but this just had to be here. The ball in from Cesc sits in the air forever before Ade directs it to Persie, who turns and blindly fires it to the only place Peter Cech couldn't be. Cesc's deadball, Adebayor's head, Persie's leg (vanilla). That's an Arsenal goal.

5. Van Persie vs. Everton (January)

Nothing new here. Van Persie, finding space with a great chest trap and a sublime volley at low angle to save the day. Just perfect. You really haver to watch this one from a better angle than the TV one before it really dawns on you how solid this strike is. The man really does shoot better off of volleys then ground balls. Viva Van Persie! 

4. Vela vs. Burnley (March)

Granted this was against weak opposition, but the 3-nil finishing master class Arsenal put on against Burnley would not be overlooked. The Mexican superstar takes a touch from Arshavin and then leaves his man in the dust. Finish it off with his signature chip and you've got another great winner de Carlos. He really is bringing some beauty back to the Cannon.

3. Arshavin vs. Blackburn (March) 

This goal is just sexy. It came at a point in the match where we just couldn't finish to save our lives. But one man took it on his shoulders and pretty much did it himself. You can see Bendtner calling for the cross, but the Russian wasn't having it. He skins his man on a very simple move, keeps the ball in play, and then scores from the slightest of angles with a top shelf delivery. First goal, great goal. Welcome to the Emirates Andrei. 

2. Nasri vs. United (November) #2

This is a great strike, but while not being as brillant as some other scores, it is truly a team goal and the best example of the Arsenal way. The patience, the pose and the sheer number of passes that we used to set up this strike against quality opposition really give me confidence that we can take on any team in the world. Watch Fabregas turn and slide the ball to Nasri. Watch Walcott draw Vidic away and make a mockery of the United center backs. Finally, watch  Nasri do what God made him to do, slot home winners. A goal which true Gooners can all be proud of.

 

1. Eduardo vs. Burnley (March)   

But this was simply the best. I have never seen anyone do this on a futbol pitch...ever. A fantastic ball in from Song which Eduardo sends back the other way into the top corner off the ankle which we all feared would end his career a year ago. You can't write that. You can't even put that into context. The cheek, the confidence to even try that maneuver when there are so many easier options speaks to Eduardo as a player. You can openly dislocate his ankle, but you'll never take his balls. What a comeback he's had. Let's hope the is the first of many jaw-droppers to come.

There. That made me feel better, and I hope it did the same for you. Enjoy the international blah, blah, blah and get ready for some great match ups to come. 

Wayne Rooney Stills Hates Liverpool, except a little bit more now.