Premier League 1: The Critics are slammed and I get a Beer Bath

We returned. After some prelim drinking at Nevadas in the proceeding weeks, Nick, Devon and myself were limber and ready. Hungry for goals and thirsty for pints of ale. There was a certain jittery elation as we donned scarf and kit and began the trek we know so well. But lets be honest, this was a noon game. Nothing like the last two 7:45am seasonal beginnings which found us bleary eyed and helpless, like blind baby kittens fumbling for the nourishing milk of morning beers and football. This was a moment to be savored. And so it was.

It cannot have be overstated how disgustingly hot it was inside the church. Never has the human car wash of Nevadas been a stickier or nastier inferno. Now factor in that I was waring a scarf and what amounts to a mop on my head and you beging to get the picture. Here, in fact, is a picture.



Looks like I'm having a good time. And why not? We were magnificent. We drank like fish and sang like mighty tenors...oh, yes, Arsenal? Yeah, they did ok too. Six goals on opening day in one of our more difficult fixtures. I'll take it. A brace from fearless leader plus Denilson, a pair of high flying centre backs and

New Season, New Rules

Here are a couple of updates for the new year.

Songs:

Smilin' Jack Nick has worked relentlessly on his new song for the year where he sings Billy Joel's "Captain Jack" for Jack Wilshere. Genius. Obviously the lad has stepped it up and gave us all something to cheer about in the pre-season, so I think we should all hook him up with a tune. Its good to have a new fresh face youngster in the spotlight now that the wars have made Fabregas into a man, Walcott is now too sexy for his sideburn spikes and Denilson lives in the shadows, waiting. Here are the lyrics.

Smilin' Jack will score a goal tonight,
and take us to every cup final.
Oh Smilin' Jack will get us by tonight.
Just one kick and you'll be smiling.

Feel free to add the guitar riffs in between the lines, I know I will. But please, take the time to listen to this tune as it isn't an easy one to sing. Nick is convinced that Smilin' Jack himself listens to this song whilst he makes love to his groupies, but Nick doesn't realize that Jack Wilshere doesn't have sex because the abstinence keeps him lean and hungry.

Oh Djourou I haven't really field tested this one yet but my contribution this year is going to be setting lyrics to the legendary Biz Markie's great one-hit-wonder "Just a Friend". This song is well known, always funny and proven as a a group sing-along favorite.

Oh Djourou,
You've got what I need,
But they say you just defend.
Oh they say you just defend.
(repeat)

He still has yet to appear, so we'll see. Please post ideas or thoughts in the comments section or scream them into my ear at the bar after another beautiful goal.

Drinking Rules
Last year seomone concoted a preposterous notion about drinking a beer a half with one pre match beer (and also like, maybe, 3 or 4 post match beers, if we win) in in an effort to reduce our crippling morning alcoholism to manageable levels. This was dumb. I hereby abolish this tomfoolery and instate the first of many amendments to the Drink in the Morning FC charter:

1. When Andrei Arshavin scores a goal, you drink shot of vodka. No exceptions. Even if he happens to notch up four zingers, otherwise known as a "Tetris" (but that could never happen). Sack up boys, because with the 4-3-3 it looks like we're running, we could be in for some Dostoyevsky-like delusional benders.

2. Same applies for Smilin' Jack except with the sour mash whiskey which bares his name. I know he's not from tennessee, but it was either that or blowing the Rails that bare his name and I doubt we're up for that.

3. No Magners. Seriously bro, have some respect for yourself.

Please feel free to add rules through the comments section. This is but the first draft and there is room to add many more. I am currently drafting bills where we have to all order caipirinhas for Denilson goals just to fuck with Jack and all have to die our hair blonde if Alumunia scores.

Speaking of hair...



It is completed! After years of research with the finest scientific minds and a lot of procrastinatory xbox playing, I have taken the time to render the effervescent beauty of Bacary Sagna into a hat/wig for us all to wear. No, it's not really the right color, and yes, it does look like D-Block made me their bitch with a mop and a skullcap, but I think this is a stellar achievement for all man kind. I would even say it is the best thing to happen since the day Monsieur Sagna himself strolled into his local barber and said "Surprise me."

Well that concludes the updates. Let's get to the matches.

We're Back!

Indeed. Like 4-Man Army Compatriot Arjun, reliably late as well. Who cares though? Its all to play for. Arsenal is back. Drink in the Morning FC is back. Not so much Newcastle, but Footer as a whole is back! I know you all have probably seen this but lets watch again.



How terrifying is Denilson? Holy shit! He's right behind you! He pledges to be your shadow? Doesn't he need a van, some binoculars and a chloroform soaked rag for that sort of thing? I guess he's managed to shed his cutesy kid image.

I would like to see the extended cut where Eboue just kind of shrugs and smiles, Bischoff pledges to purchase Arsenal season tickets, and Adebayor resolves to buy a 14 karat gold face.

So now that we're back, where was I and what did I do? I got a job, which is going to a damper on my Champion's League football, but has taught me to speak html, so expect some fancier blog posts. Other than that, I became the world's fastest human, narrowly lost to God in connect 4 and cleared some bandits out of Burma, but I did not blog. Tough.

This new year is sort of working out like Arsenal's. I have made no new signings lately so we are simply going to have to count on the bloggers that we have and trust in them to develop and not blow off writing their posts to get smashed and watch post apocalyptic car racing movies. Have faith. Nick and I are determined, despite being written off early, to win the blogging equivalent of the Carling Cup or something.

Predictions: I think Arsenal will open up with a shocking 6-1 win at Everton where both our centre backs will score on headers.