Though Arsene Wenger has not confirmed the report, it has recently been admitted that Cesc Fabregas, standout midfielder at the London club Arsenal, has been offered 33 million pounds, the title of Duke, and the precious Aquitaine, an area on land long coveted by French and English Lords for centuries, so that he will remain at Arsenal. With his contract negotiation looming, many have asked the question of where Arsenal found the right to bestow this sovereign territory on he twenty year old Spaniard.
An anonymous source inside the club who goes only by the name "Canterbury" claims:
So that, as clear as is the summer's sun.
King Penin's title and Hugh Capet's claim,
King Lewis his satisfaction, all appear
To hold in right and title of the female:
So do the kings of France unto this day:
Howbeit they would hold up this Salique law
To bar your highness claiming from the female,
And rather choose to hide them in a net
Than amply to imbar their crooked titles
Usurp'd from you and your progenitors.
Though the BBC can make neither heads or tales of this arguement, the English FA has been happy to acknowledge that Lord Elect Fabregas be granted the "Mastery of All He Surveys" in the "New World" and "Any Thing Else He Fancies" as long as he keeps kicking an inflated ball in God's Country rather than Spain.
The sudden addition of the Aquitaine, though not approved by France, could lead to a profound shift in power from the EU to The People's Republic of Cesc Fabregas (Fabregascar some call it). Especially after spanish super club Sevilla offered Frank Lampard Greenland if he could just keep kicking toward the opponent's end of the field.
Though feudalism is dead and this seems a massive amount to offer any single man, Arsenal has assured the press that the move is covered in precedent, citing that Barcelona has granted control of the Southern Hemisphere to joint consuls Samuel Eto'o and Lionel Messi, Real Madrid has named Ruud van Nistelrooy "Pope of Everything", and Manchester United midfielder Ronaldo actualy owns the Moon and "pretty much everything beyond" according to Sir Alex Ferguson "just as long as he keeps diving in the box".
Fellow, less handsome, Arsenal midfielders Alexander Hleb and Mathieu Flamini are apparently allowed to leave their dungeons once a fortnight, given a crust of moldy bread, and are set to be buried alive with Fabregas in order to serve him in the afterlife under their current contracts.
When reached for comment Fabregas claimed "We will do our best to allow the commons every opportunity to improve and thrive upon our land of Fabregascar as per the grace of God"
On a side note, France has no say in the matter as, according to UN Secretary Kofi Annan, "they are constantly bitching and moaning about everyone else, and then only supplying the world with a steady export of bitching and moaning. So screw'em!".
2 comments:
That is very funny.
But the UN secretary general is Ban Ki Moon.
Why do I feel compelled to point out the inaccuracy in your humorous fictional news report?
Because I am a terrible man.
I like that people bother to question the intelligence of a man who writes joke articles about a soccer team and chronicles his exploits of getting hammered in a bar at 9 am on a Saturday. I'm not going for Mensa people. I've come to terms with that.
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