England to Experiment with New Formations, New Overrated Players, and New "Don't Fuck it Up" Strategy ahead of USA Friendly

Capello says "Well, we don't really have any thing going on this summer, so sure. I mean, USA didn't qualify for Euro 08 either, so they it should be an even match. But this a chance to explore new avenues of play like not stepping on others player's groins, actually scoring penalty kicks, and my controversial "never pass the ball to Paul Robinson" game plan. Maybe these will be the key improvements that will allow us to duke it out in the future with such European giants as Turkey and Romania. We'll see."

89 Million Manchester United Fans Thrilled to not have to buy Chelsea Shirts after Champions League Final

Millions of the fair weather fans around the globe rejoiced on Wednesday evening as Edwin Van der Saar secured the Champions League Crown for Manchester United ensuring their place as the best team in the world and saving millions of United "supporters" the financial and emotional burden of having to become Chelsea "supporters" in their effort to back the biggest, must successful team in the world.

Here are some reactions from around the Globe.

"That was a close one" says Newcastle resident Gavin Terry "I mean I spent a lot of money on this Ronaldo kit. And he's never going to leave, so it's a sound investment. I can't imagine how many hours, maybe days of suffering I would have had to endure before getting a Ballack shirt had my United not have pulled it off."

In New York, fair weather fan Tom Allen was quoted as saying "I love United! Beckham is still my favorite player, and though I didn't watch the game last Wednesday, I heard he kicked some serious ass for them. Which is cool, cause though I've heard Didier whatever-his-name-is a real stand up guy, I really don't have the cash to blow on a Chelsea jersey right now.

The Jakarta United Fan Club voiced joy in a prepared statement to the press. "Manchester United is our favorite baseball team. They are number 1. They will always be our favorite baseball team and we hope to see one of their baseball matches someday."

But not all is well for some over eager "shit supporters". London fair weather twat James Dalton tells his tragic tale. "I thought I would get a jump on the competition by getting a Terry shirt before he took his penalty kick. I like to sport a defender's shirt since it makes me look like a real supporter, and I had to hurry so I could get a 2007/2008 version so people would think I had known this was coming all along. So I grab it on WorldSoccerShop, but then Terry falls on his arse! I always said he was overrated. Now I've learned my lesson, but I can't spend anymore of shirts after this and that Benjani Mwaruwari debacle earlier in the year (what was I thinking?). My only hope now is that Cristiano gets traded to Real Madrid because I already have a Madrid shirt that says Ronaldo on the back. Let's hope and pray."

John Terry Penalty Miss Clearly the Result of Bad Managing Says Abramovich

Chelsea Owner Roman Abramovich made clear today that the reason for former England captain and veteran defender John Terry's horrific missed penalty kick, and thus Chelsea's Champions League exit, can be blamed entirely on the poor coaching of Avram Grant. The 53 year old Isreali manager, according to Abramovich "obviously forgot to instruct Terry how to shoot ball at net during the many, many session of practice that I financed this year for glorious Chelsea Team".

Captain John Terry after realizing that Grant had never prepared him for the scenario.

New sigining Nicolas Anelka, one of the Premier Leagues most prolific scorers, also backed his owner claiming that Avram Grant made two major mistakes this year by refusing to play him as a lead striker and by not telling him that Edwin Van der Saar might try to block his penalty attempt.

Abramovich was not finished though. "All that Grant has done this year is pick up the pieces of shattered and demoralized team, keep comparable winning percentage to Mourinho, and taken Chelsea to within one penalty kick of Champions League glory. This is weak managing and willl not be tolerated at glorious Chelsea Football Club. Come on, this "man" cannot even explain the rules of Football to Didier."

Avram Grant had very little to say in return as he huddled in his home, crying over his own failure. All the broken man could say was "Keeping Drogba from cheating and getting a revered English player to not shit-the-bed in a shootout are the two greatest challenges a football manager can face. But Anelka missing a simple PK; that one is totally my fault".