Premier League 1: The Critics are slammed and I get a Beer Bath

We returned. After some prelim drinking at Nevadas in the proceeding weeks, Nick, Devon and myself were limber and ready. Hungry for goals and thirsty for pints of ale. There was a certain jittery elation as we donned scarf and kit and began the trek we know so well. But lets be honest, this was a noon game. Nothing like the last two 7:45am seasonal beginnings which found us bleary eyed and helpless, like blind baby kittens fumbling for the nourishing milk of morning beers and football. This was a moment to be savored. And so it was.

It cannot have be overstated how disgustingly hot it was inside the church. Never has the human car wash of Nevadas been a stickier or nastier inferno. Now factor in that I was waring a scarf and what amounts to a mop on my head and you beging to get the picture. Here, in fact, is a picture.



Looks like I'm having a good time. And why not? We were magnificent. We drank like fish and sang like mighty tenors...oh, yes, Arsenal? Yeah, they did ok too. Six goals on opening day in one of our more difficult fixtures. I'll take it. A brace from fearless leader plus Denilson, a pair of high flying centre backs and

New Season, New Rules

Here are a couple of updates for the new year.

Songs:

Smilin' Jack Nick has worked relentlessly on his new song for the year where he sings Billy Joel's "Captain Jack" for Jack Wilshere. Genius. Obviously the lad has stepped it up and gave us all something to cheer about in the pre-season, so I think we should all hook him up with a tune. Its good to have a new fresh face youngster in the spotlight now that the wars have made Fabregas into a man, Walcott is now too sexy for his sideburn spikes and Denilson lives in the shadows, waiting. Here are the lyrics.

Smilin' Jack will score a goal tonight,
and take us to every cup final.
Oh Smilin' Jack will get us by tonight.
Just one kick and you'll be smiling.

Feel free to add the guitar riffs in between the lines, I know I will. But please, take the time to listen to this tune as it isn't an easy one to sing. Nick is convinced that Smilin' Jack himself listens to this song whilst he makes love to his groupies, but Nick doesn't realize that Jack Wilshere doesn't have sex because the abstinence keeps him lean and hungry.

Oh Djourou I haven't really field tested this one yet but my contribution this year is going to be setting lyrics to the legendary Biz Markie's great one-hit-wonder "Just a Friend". This song is well known, always funny and proven as a a group sing-along favorite.

Oh Djourou,
You've got what I need,
But they say you just defend.
Oh they say you just defend.
(repeat)

He still has yet to appear, so we'll see. Please post ideas or thoughts in the comments section or scream them into my ear at the bar after another beautiful goal.

Drinking Rules
Last year seomone concoted a preposterous notion about drinking a beer a half with one pre match beer (and also like, maybe, 3 or 4 post match beers, if we win) in in an effort to reduce our crippling morning alcoholism to manageable levels. This was dumb. I hereby abolish this tomfoolery and instate the first of many amendments to the Drink in the Morning FC charter:

1. When Andrei Arshavin scores a goal, you drink shot of vodka. No exceptions. Even if he happens to notch up four zingers, otherwise known as a "Tetris" (but that could never happen). Sack up boys, because with the 4-3-3 it looks like we're running, we could be in for some Dostoyevsky-like delusional benders.

2. Same applies for Smilin' Jack except with the sour mash whiskey which bares his name. I know he's not from tennessee, but it was either that or blowing the Rails that bare his name and I doubt we're up for that.

3. No Magners. Seriously bro, have some respect for yourself.

Please feel free to add rules through the comments section. This is but the first draft and there is room to add many more. I am currently drafting bills where we have to all order caipirinhas for Denilson goals just to fuck with Jack and all have to die our hair blonde if Alumunia scores.

Speaking of hair...



It is completed! After years of research with the finest scientific minds and a lot of procrastinatory xbox playing, I have taken the time to render the effervescent beauty of Bacary Sagna into a hat/wig for us all to wear. No, it's not really the right color, and yes, it does look like D-Block made me their bitch with a mop and a skullcap, but I think this is a stellar achievement for all man kind. I would even say it is the best thing to happen since the day Monsieur Sagna himself strolled into his local barber and said "Surprise me."

Well that concludes the updates. Let's get to the matches.

We're Back!

Indeed. Like 4-Man Army Compatriot Arjun, reliably late as well. Who cares though? Its all to play for. Arsenal is back. Drink in the Morning FC is back. Not so much Newcastle, but Footer as a whole is back! I know you all have probably seen this but lets watch again.



How terrifying is Denilson? Holy shit! He's right behind you! He pledges to be your shadow? Doesn't he need a van, some binoculars and a chloroform soaked rag for that sort of thing? I guess he's managed to shed his cutesy kid image.

I would like to see the extended cut where Eboue just kind of shrugs and smiles, Bischoff pledges to purchase Arsenal season tickets, and Adebayor resolves to buy a 14 karat gold face.

So now that we're back, where was I and what did I do? I got a job, which is going to a damper on my Champion's League football, but has taught me to speak html, so expect some fancier blog posts. Other than that, I became the world's fastest human, narrowly lost to God in connect 4 and cleared some bandits out of Burma, but I did not blog. Tough.

This new year is sort of working out like Arsenal's. I have made no new signings lately so we are simply going to have to count on the bloggers that we have and trust in them to develop and not blow off writing their posts to get smashed and watch post apocalyptic car racing movies. Have faith. Nick and I are determined, despite being written off early, to win the blogging equivalent of the Carling Cup or something.

Predictions: I think Arsenal will open up with a shocking 6-1 win at Everton where both our centre backs will score on headers.

LaLaLaLa!!

I'm not watching the game till 8:30 tonight because that's when Nevadas is showing it. This means that I have to stay clear of the internet. I can't even risk going on google image search for a picture for this post because I'm afraid I'll see some horrible shots of  a 3 nil Wigan beating with Wenger decapitated or some other horror. This was all Nick's idea. He shall pay. 

Hopefully, I'll see some of you folks tonight. Now I must recommence shutting the world out.

LaLaLaLaLa..........

Having a Laugh in the Champion's League

They say a draw is like kissing your sister, but sometimes it's like kissing your sister's hot friend. This was one of those times.

Away goal. 

United are in some trouble. 

Their fans are in the basement.  

And my top ten goals list is already obsolete.

What a goal! Even Jack was singing the praises of this winner. It appears Cesc And Emmanuel spent some time together on the bench concocting a brilliant plan. After rehearsing their routine to perfection against a hapless City, they were ready to unleash the combo that left Villareal, Madrigal Stadium and all us Gooners-in-Exile dazed and amused. Even Adebayor didn't know it was a goal for the first seven seconds. But it was a goal; a chest trapping bicycle kick of glory not unlike his wonders of last year against Tottenham and Newcastle. I'm gonna put this one at number #3 which knocks Arshavin back to 4th and, sadly, removes Abu from the tenth spot. 

Incidentally, I forgot in my last post to include two awards for Ugliest Goal so far and Best Awesome Thing.

William Gallas' "strike" against Dynamo Kiev during the CL group stage was more a bumbling, accident that spilled into the net than a part of Wenger's beautiful scheme. Still worth a point though. 

Best Awesome Thing definitely goes to Bacary Sagna for his Bicycle Save that kept Villa at bay back in December. This is the kind of never say die shit that makes me love the dread-locked golden boy.

But back to current news things. We got our away goal and can now return to Emirates with the advantage and the added motivation of possibly getting Porto in the next round. It's now a very real possibility considering the way Porto dominated United on their home turf. Looking even further down the road, Chelsea and Barca both looked scary today, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

The church was as riotous as ever. I brought my Lady Gunner who, while not really enjoying the process of drunken soccer, does quite plausibly fake the enjoying of drunken soccer. As such, she is surely Fan of the Match, but that could just be because she's sleeping with the guy who decides Fan of the Match.  

So we had us a laugh in the Champions league. We drank and sang with the usual suspects and cursed in frustration until the Togonator brought sweet release. The best part was that nobody realized the goal had actually happened. Between the bizarre TV cut, the silence of the stadium and the fact that we always assume Adebayor is offsides, no one was willing to accept it.  But then joy gradually dawned and we piled into a raucous and wet swarm of Gooners covered in Magners and love. What a bar.

We still have to win at home, or play the boringest game ever. Since we've proven to be masters of the nil nil draw this year, I can't see why that's improbable. On you Gooners! Let's play some ugly boring futbol and, for once, we could be that bastard squad who sits back in the box and kicks a team to death. But we'll probably go for the knockout blow, and good for us.

Until next time Gooners in Exile, enjoy Adebayor. Is he a Newsy? Is he about to drive take his new Model-T out for a drive? Maybe he's just too deep in thought to consider fashion.  

 

No Arsenal Makes Mark Worry

Of course, the second our form gets red hot and United and Villa start playing like the Farore Islands reserves, we get a big, fat international break. This, of course leaves me to my own devices where I can only imagine soccer rather than watch it. Granted Tomas Rosicky returns to score many beautiful goals in my imaginary unbeaten season, but that should illustrate why my imagination is of no consolation. So I worry. Let's be honest, we have a bit of a task ahead as we turn into the final stretch. Three "easy" games against Stoke, Boro and Portsmouth are on the docket. Remember that these match ups were anything but easy earlier in the season and you start to understand. Wigan and City are our next opponents and comprise our remaining mid-level matches. We can and should win both of these, but it is going to be a very dangerous time as our focus is going to be on Villareal in Champions League and Chelsea in the FA. Neither of these are slouch squads to say the least, but the real kicker comes next:

If we defeat Chelsea and Villareal, then we get a month's time in which we play Liverpool at Anfield, Chelsea again at Emirates, and Manchester United.....4 TIMES

Now, that isn't necessarily the case. Everton and Porto could maybe... or we could get lucky and... well maybe. Frack. 2 Champions League, a cup final at Wembley, and another trip to Old Trafford to finish it up. I'm gonna be so sick of peevish, ugly Rooneys and fo-hawked Ronaldos. 

Yep, the battles are coming. But we love the battles. We play much better at the top against teams which are not trying to kick us off the pitch or play for a draw. Bring it on.

Still, I needed some cheering up to stop all the inter-lull worries, so I got out my goal clips for the year and made a list. Here are the top ten goals so far this year:

10. Diaby vs Aston Villa (December)

Crucial game, great one man effort. Watching him skin two defenders with a back heel to himself was magical. A great pass by from Eboue and a cool finish, which we have lacked so much this year. Good for you Abou.

9. Fabregas vs. Sunderland (October)

I miss him so much. Forget that this was at the last second of the match. This strike is to be remembered because Cesc doesn't use his noggin ever, and he's not exactly the tallest bloke on the pitch. How he snuck pass two defenders and a keepers, I will never know. I'd put this goal on the list just to see how fired up he is afterwards. What a competitor.

8. Bendtner vs. Dynamo Kiev (November)

 

November was a weird month. We played eight matches, beat United and Chelsea but went down to Stoke, Villa and City. It looked like we were in for another lackluster performance and a nil nil result when Cesc launched a surprise long ball to Bendtner, who pulled it down beautifully and slotted it home with a cool finish. I know that don't sound right, but looking back, he's had a couple clean finishes throughout the year. But this confection is as much Spanish as it is Danish. Having been out so long, we really forget what Fabregas can do. You especially forget how beautiful a leading pass can be. If anyone is going to boost us through the this homestretch, it'll be the skipper.

7. Vela vs. Wigan (November Carling Cup)

He'd already scored a very similar goal against Sheffield U earlier in this competition, but this one had all the Vela characteristics on it. Wigan was gutted, but the Mexican's pace and trademark chip left us all stunned, including Chris Kirkland, whose dumbfounded expression says it all. We all have a lot to look forward to with this kid.

6. Van Persie vs. Chelsea (November)

Now, I've tried to focus on the goals themselves, and not the scenarios in which they were scored, but this just had to be here. The ball in from Cesc sits in the air forever before Ade directs it to Persie, who turns and blindly fires it to the only place Peter Cech couldn't be. Cesc's deadball, Adebayor's head, Persie's leg (vanilla). That's an Arsenal goal.

5. Van Persie vs. Everton (January)

Nothing new here. Van Persie, finding space with a great chest trap and a sublime volley at low angle to save the day. Just perfect. You really haver to watch this one from a better angle than the TV one before it really dawns on you how solid this strike is. The man really does shoot better off of volleys then ground balls. Viva Van Persie! 

4. Vela vs. Burnley (March)

Granted this was against weak opposition, but the 3-nil finishing master class Arsenal put on against Burnley would not be overlooked. The Mexican superstar takes a touch from Arshavin and then leaves his man in the dust. Finish it off with his signature chip and you've got another great winner de Carlos. He really is bringing some beauty back to the Cannon.

3. Arshavin vs. Blackburn (March) 

This goal is just sexy. It came at a point in the match where we just couldn't finish to save our lives. But one man took it on his shoulders and pretty much did it himself. You can see Bendtner calling for the cross, but the Russian wasn't having it. He skins his man on a very simple move, keeps the ball in play, and then scores from the slightest of angles with a top shelf delivery. First goal, great goal. Welcome to the Emirates Andrei. 

2. Nasri vs. United (November) #2

This is a great strike, but while not being as brillant as some other scores, it is truly a team goal and the best example of the Arsenal way. The patience, the pose and the sheer number of passes that we used to set up this strike against quality opposition really give me confidence that we can take on any team in the world. Watch Fabregas turn and slide the ball to Nasri. Watch Walcott draw Vidic away and make a mockery of the United center backs. Finally, watch  Nasri do what God made him to do, slot home winners. A goal which true Gooners can all be proud of.

 

1. Eduardo vs. Burnley (March)   

But this was simply the best. I have never seen anyone do this on a futbol pitch...ever. A fantastic ball in from Song which Eduardo sends back the other way into the top corner off the ankle which we all feared would end his career a year ago. You can't write that. You can't even put that into context. The cheek, the confidence to even try that maneuver when there are so many easier options speaks to Eduardo as a player. You can openly dislocate his ankle, but you'll never take his balls. What a comeback he's had. Let's hope the is the first of many jaw-droppers to come.

There. That made me feel better, and I hope it did the same for you. Enjoy the international blah, blah, blah and get ready for some great match ups to come. 

Wayne Rooney Stills Hates Liverpool, except a little bit more now.

Roma Fanatics Stab Arsenal Fan. UEFA Plans to Banish Serie A from Champions League, Except Premier League Kinda Already Did That.

Rome's police are investigating the incident where a traveling Arsenal supporter was reportedly stabbed at this week's Champion's League match against AS Roma. Police have several leads which point to Roma's fanatical supporters the Ultras who plan to "stab" their way back into Champions League at the finals this May, in Rome. However, the wounded Arsenal fan is not pressing charges, predictably choosing to "just blame it on Eboue or Bendtner instead, and be done with it". 

Arsenal Fans: Bendtner at Fault for Goals by Juan, Vidic and Ronaldo

Despite being 21 years old, a striker, and almost 1,000 miles from two of the incidents, Arsenal striker Nicklas Bendtner is clearly to blame for preventing Roma and Manchester United's three scores during this Wednesday's Champions League match, accordingly to many Arsenal fans. This continues a spree of disappointments for the young danish attacker, though none are as embarrassing as allowing the reigning Kings of Europe to advance past Inter Milan into the semifinals. 

The first incident happened when Nemanja Vidic managed to leap onto a Ryan Giggs corner and bury it in the back of the net. ESPN broadcaster Tommy Smith's take on the incident was clear. "It was like he (Bendtner) wasn't even on the pitch. You can't give a player like Vidic that much space in the box. It's true, he's not ready to play defense at this level. For any team."

 

Vidic scores. Where is Bendtner?

 

Moments later, and half a continent away, disaster struck again for the striker as he failed to defend after the ball managed to gently roll through the box past various Arsenal central midfielders, right backs and two veteran center-backs on its way to Roma's Juan, who clearly should have been marked. An eyewitness who went only by the name of William G. recalls the event. "We were arguing about whether to come out of the locker room late this time, but we had our eyes on Nicklas as well when it happened. Kolo and I both know very much about defense from our years in football, so you can believe me when I tell you that when that ball went between our legs, Nicklas was not properly marking our, I mean his man." 

The third incident appears to have been a result of "failing to track back" when Manchester ace Cristiano Ronaldo headed in Rooney cross to put victory out of reach for Jose Mourinho's side. Camera footage shows the Bendtner was an astonishing 1,609,238 meters away from the Portuguese winger, which some pundits have described as "sloopy". 

This image, taken by composite satellites, clearly shows Ronaldo (#7) in the top left corner and the out of position Bentder (#26) in the bottom right.

Strangely though, a few Arsenal fans, despite claiming he has no work ethic and shouldn't be on their squad, seem to have given Bendtner a rare pass on this one. "That one's not his fault. That Ronaldo is just too good." To make matters worst, Bendtner, a striker, even failed to find the net in either game when he wasn't playing defense. Many frustrated fans point to absence of infallible hero Robin Van Persie who, according to many, "wasn't in the game at all." 

 

Seriously, if you don't get this joke, then you probably are one of the "arseholes" who blames everything  on Bendtner and apparently forgot all the fantastic things the Great Dane has done for us by the tender age of twenty one. (Tottenham, Liverpool, Dynamo Kiev and seventeen other goals which you leapt up and cheered for, in case you actually did forget) And don't tell me to read the blogs. I write the blogs!

JAI HO! Arsenal vs. Roma

Arsenal is one free kick away from beating Roma in the Champions League. How did they do it?

A) They Cheated

B) They're Lucky

C) Wenger is a Genius

D) It is Written

Obviously the answer is D, though there is certainly about 130 minutes worth of evidence for B. But who cares? We won!!! Sweet god we won! Jai Ho!

 AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

That's is a Japanese phrase meaning: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

and also Arabic for: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

and means AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! in French (though rarely used)

Indeed that is the universal sound of victory against all odds. Like watching that guy in the movies snip the right wire on the bomb, except he's doing it for like over two hours. That match just shaved another 5 years off my life which; thanks to the combined efforts of futbol, friends and life style choices, now leaves me about 3 months left to live.

But I lived long enough to see that victory!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

This day is called the Round of Sixteen.

He that went to Nevadas, and came safe home,

will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam'd,

And rouse him at the name of Second Leg.

He that shall live this day, and see old age,

will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbors,

And say 'To-morrow is Champions League.'

Then will he don his kit and show his scarf,

and say 'This gear I wore on the Second Leg.'

Shit fans forget; yet all shall be forgot,

But he'll remember, with some counseling,

What fear he felt that day. Then shall their names,

Familiar in his mouth as household words-

Wenger the King, Walcott and Denilson,

Nasri, Persie, Diaby and Sagna,

Be in their pints freshly rememb'red.

This story shall the Gooner teach his son;

And a Round of Sixteen shall ne'er go by,

From this day forth to ending of the world,

But we in it shall be remembered-

We few, we freaked out few, we band of Gooners;

For he to-day that almost died with me

Shall be my Gooner; though he complain too much,

That day shall even make him love Bendtner;

And those Arse-Fans in day jobs, then a-work,

Shall think themselves accurs'd they did not quit;

And hold there their manhoods cheap, whiles any speaks

That watched that shit at olde Nevada Smiths!

I just made that up (with some help). would have worked better if our King Henry wasn't reigning in Spain, but it scans perfectly and you'll notice that the mentioned gunners all made their PKs. Toure was omitted for a very obvious reason which happened around the 9th minute and Almunia isn't in there because no one at the Battle of Agincourt had a four syllables in their name. Tough luck. Lehmann would have made it.

But seriously, that was about as horrifying to watch as your parents doing the Kama Sutra. Yeah, you just thought about it. Sick. And I'm not talking about how badly we played, because I don't care. I'm referring to the shear terror that comes from being in a small, dark furiously packed cave watching grown men lose their minds over a bouncy ball that could very easily roll into the wrong net. But with great sacrifice comes great honor.

It's not a secret that futbol matches frighten me more than Zombies, Cylons or even Dick Cheney; but this one was the worst. I left with my hair looking like Don King from all the sweating and pulling I was doing to it. I actually  dropped into a pitiful squat when I saw that Roma player go down in the box. Hidden in the forest of Nevada Smith legs, head in hands, I thought surely, in Italy, in Champions League, there was no way this was gonna go our way. After a brief flirtation with suicide (FYI: Devon gets my laptop, Jakes my books, and Nick can have Deanna) I arose to a world unlike any I had known. A place where linesmen and officials did not actively seek to knock Arsenal out of Europe. I was wary, but reborn.

Then it all just kept sucking. No one played particularly poorly as an individual, but the communal efforts were like watching eleven of my drunken friends trying to Riverdance. No wait, that'd be funny. This was not.

Did I mention I hadn't slept? Not a wink the night before as I was up carousing with my better(?) half. We do that. Alot. She begged me to stay and nap that afternoon, but I was compelled. Where would Hector have been had he stayed with Andromache and not fought Achilles? Where indeed? Probably still alive! And indeed I would have been too, because I would have just napped and then read 7-6 on the internet. Then I would have gone "aaahhh" and watched the PK replay, safe in the comforting blanket of retrospect. Rubbish.

I rose and  heaved my exhausted corpse to Nevada's; an hour early to get a spot. Devo, after resolutely arguing such a precaution was not necessary, showed up later and predictably got sent to the basement. Jakes had to watch the game across the street, but came on as an impact substitute for the PKs. And a sub was needed. Working on no sleep, and having endured a match that look more like Golgotha than the beautiful game, I was waiting for Wenger to hold up the board with my number on it. 

But he said "No Mark, you must have great spirit and  maturity, and watch the PKs." This may have actually happened as I was hallucinating at the time. Each kick took a lifetime, each round was the high and the crash of super drug I've never known. But...

(with his eyes closed, Almunia may have been the last person in the world to know)

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I was screaming and leaping. My exhaustion vanished like a little bouncy ball over a crossbar, and, in a mosh pit of ecstasy and sweaty gooners, I was giggling and singing with a smile I haven't worn since I first knew the pleasures of a woman. 

And that is why nothing else matters. Because Munich won on a 12-1 aggregate, United thumped the Special One, Liverpool embarrassed the greatest club in the history kicking a ball, but none of their supporters felt as good as I did in that moment. And I hope they never do.

So rant and rave all you want about poor play, luck, Bendtner or whatever you want to, because none of it matters. Go enjoy yourselves! Stop with your angry blogging and commenting. Nothing is a given in champions league. All you can do is win, and we won a shootout in frackin Italy. We are in the quarterfinals. What's point of being a Gooner, of enduring the horrors of that game, if you can't enjoy these perfect moments? Wait, hold on-

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

It just keeps happening.

Go now Gooners in Exile. Live terror free lives until Saturday. Maybe some of you should get day jobs. Ok, that is crazy, but this victory seems to make anything possible. Leave Eboue be for a day. Call your Mother. Hug a stranger. Take up a new hobby. Drink a beer. Have a good cry. I did all these things and more. Because I am a true Gooner, because sometimes a win is all you need, and because.....

D) It is written