No Arsenal Makes Mark Worry

Of course, the second our form gets red hot and United and Villa start playing like the Farore Islands reserves, we get a big, fat international break. This, of course leaves me to my own devices where I can only imagine soccer rather than watch it. Granted Tomas Rosicky returns to score many beautiful goals in my imaginary unbeaten season, but that should illustrate why my imagination is of no consolation. So I worry. Let's be honest, we have a bit of a task ahead as we turn into the final stretch. Three "easy" games against Stoke, Boro and Portsmouth are on the docket. Remember that these match ups were anything but easy earlier in the season and you start to understand. Wigan and City are our next opponents and comprise our remaining mid-level matches. We can and should win both of these, but it is going to be a very dangerous time as our focus is going to be on Villareal in Champions League and Chelsea in the FA. Neither of these are slouch squads to say the least, but the real kicker comes next:

If we defeat Chelsea and Villareal, then we get a month's time in which we play Liverpool at Anfield, Chelsea again at Emirates, and Manchester United.....4 TIMES

Now, that isn't necessarily the case. Everton and Porto could maybe... or we could get lucky and... well maybe. Frack. 2 Champions League, a cup final at Wembley, and another trip to Old Trafford to finish it up. I'm gonna be so sick of peevish, ugly Rooneys and fo-hawked Ronaldos. 

Yep, the battles are coming. But we love the battles. We play much better at the top against teams which are not trying to kick us off the pitch or play for a draw. Bring it on.

Still, I needed some cheering up to stop all the inter-lull worries, so I got out my goal clips for the year and made a list. Here are the top ten goals so far this year:

10. Diaby vs Aston Villa (December)

Crucial game, great one man effort. Watching him skin two defenders with a back heel to himself was magical. A great pass by from Eboue and a cool finish, which we have lacked so much this year. Good for you Abou.

9. Fabregas vs. Sunderland (October)

I miss him so much. Forget that this was at the last second of the match. This strike is to be remembered because Cesc doesn't use his noggin ever, and he's not exactly the tallest bloke on the pitch. How he snuck pass two defenders and a keepers, I will never know. I'd put this goal on the list just to see how fired up he is afterwards. What a competitor.

8. Bendtner vs. Dynamo Kiev (November)

 

November was a weird month. We played eight matches, beat United and Chelsea but went down to Stoke, Villa and City. It looked like we were in for another lackluster performance and a nil nil result when Cesc launched a surprise long ball to Bendtner, who pulled it down beautifully and slotted it home with a cool finish. I know that don't sound right, but looking back, he's had a couple clean finishes throughout the year. But this confection is as much Spanish as it is Danish. Having been out so long, we really forget what Fabregas can do. You especially forget how beautiful a leading pass can be. If anyone is going to boost us through the this homestretch, it'll be the skipper.

7. Vela vs. Wigan (November Carling Cup)

He'd already scored a very similar goal against Sheffield U earlier in this competition, but this one had all the Vela characteristics on it. Wigan was gutted, but the Mexican's pace and trademark chip left us all stunned, including Chris Kirkland, whose dumbfounded expression says it all. We all have a lot to look forward to with this kid.

6. Van Persie vs. Chelsea (November)

Now, I've tried to focus on the goals themselves, and not the scenarios in which they were scored, but this just had to be here. The ball in from Cesc sits in the air forever before Ade directs it to Persie, who turns and blindly fires it to the only place Peter Cech couldn't be. Cesc's deadball, Adebayor's head, Persie's leg (vanilla). That's an Arsenal goal.

5. Van Persie vs. Everton (January)

Nothing new here. Van Persie, finding space with a great chest trap and a sublime volley at low angle to save the day. Just perfect. You really haver to watch this one from a better angle than the TV one before it really dawns on you how solid this strike is. The man really does shoot better off of volleys then ground balls. Viva Van Persie! 

4. Vela vs. Burnley (March)

Granted this was against weak opposition, but the 3-nil finishing master class Arsenal put on against Burnley would not be overlooked. The Mexican superstar takes a touch from Arshavin and then leaves his man in the dust. Finish it off with his signature chip and you've got another great winner de Carlos. He really is bringing some beauty back to the Cannon.

3. Arshavin vs. Blackburn (March) 

This goal is just sexy. It came at a point in the match where we just couldn't finish to save our lives. But one man took it on his shoulders and pretty much did it himself. You can see Bendtner calling for the cross, but the Russian wasn't having it. He skins his man on a very simple move, keeps the ball in play, and then scores from the slightest of angles with a top shelf delivery. First goal, great goal. Welcome to the Emirates Andrei. 

2. Nasri vs. United (November) #2

This is a great strike, but while not being as brillant as some other scores, it is truly a team goal and the best example of the Arsenal way. The patience, the pose and the sheer number of passes that we used to set up this strike against quality opposition really give me confidence that we can take on any team in the world. Watch Fabregas turn and slide the ball to Nasri. Watch Walcott draw Vidic away and make a mockery of the United center backs. Finally, watch  Nasri do what God made him to do, slot home winners. A goal which true Gooners can all be proud of.

 

1. Eduardo vs. Burnley (March)   

But this was simply the best. I have never seen anyone do this on a futbol pitch...ever. A fantastic ball in from Song which Eduardo sends back the other way into the top corner off the ankle which we all feared would end his career a year ago. You can't write that. You can't even put that into context. The cheek, the confidence to even try that maneuver when there are so many easier options speaks to Eduardo as a player. You can openly dislocate his ankle, but you'll never take his balls. What a comeback he's had. Let's hope the is the first of many jaw-droppers to come.

There. That made me feel better, and I hope it did the same for you. Enjoy the international blah, blah, blah and get ready for some great match ups to come. 

Wayne Rooney Stills Hates Liverpool, except a little bit more now.

Roma Fanatics Stab Arsenal Fan. UEFA Plans to Banish Serie A from Champions League, Except Premier League Kinda Already Did That.

Rome's police are investigating the incident where a traveling Arsenal supporter was reportedly stabbed at this week's Champion's League match against AS Roma. Police have several leads which point to Roma's fanatical supporters the Ultras who plan to "stab" their way back into Champions League at the finals this May, in Rome. However, the wounded Arsenal fan is not pressing charges, predictably choosing to "just blame it on Eboue or Bendtner instead, and be done with it". 

Arsenal Fans: Bendtner at Fault for Goals by Juan, Vidic and Ronaldo

Despite being 21 years old, a striker, and almost 1,000 miles from two of the incidents, Arsenal striker Nicklas Bendtner is clearly to blame for preventing Roma and Manchester United's three scores during this Wednesday's Champions League match, accordingly to many Arsenal fans. This continues a spree of disappointments for the young danish attacker, though none are as embarrassing as allowing the reigning Kings of Europe to advance past Inter Milan into the semifinals. 

The first incident happened when Nemanja Vidic managed to leap onto a Ryan Giggs corner and bury it in the back of the net. ESPN broadcaster Tommy Smith's take on the incident was clear. "It was like he (Bendtner) wasn't even on the pitch. You can't give a player like Vidic that much space in the box. It's true, he's not ready to play defense at this level. For any team."

 

Vidic scores. Where is Bendtner?

 

Moments later, and half a continent away, disaster struck again for the striker as he failed to defend after the ball managed to gently roll through the box past various Arsenal central midfielders, right backs and two veteran center-backs on its way to Roma's Juan, who clearly should have been marked. An eyewitness who went only by the name of William G. recalls the event. "We were arguing about whether to come out of the locker room late this time, but we had our eyes on Nicklas as well when it happened. Kolo and I both know very much about defense from our years in football, so you can believe me when I tell you that when that ball went between our legs, Nicklas was not properly marking our, I mean his man." 

The third incident appears to have been a result of "failing to track back" when Manchester ace Cristiano Ronaldo headed in Rooney cross to put victory out of reach for Jose Mourinho's side. Camera footage shows the Bendtner was an astonishing 1,609,238 meters away from the Portuguese winger, which some pundits have described as "sloopy". 

This image, taken by composite satellites, clearly shows Ronaldo (#7) in the top left corner and the out of position Bentder (#26) in the bottom right.

Strangely though, a few Arsenal fans, despite claiming he has no work ethic and shouldn't be on their squad, seem to have given Bendtner a rare pass on this one. "That one's not his fault. That Ronaldo is just too good." To make matters worst, Bendtner, a striker, even failed to find the net in either game when he wasn't playing defense. Many frustrated fans point to absence of infallible hero Robin Van Persie who, according to many, "wasn't in the game at all." 

 

Seriously, if you don't get this joke, then you probably are one of the "arseholes" who blames everything  on Bendtner and apparently forgot all the fantastic things the Great Dane has done for us by the tender age of twenty one. (Tottenham, Liverpool, Dynamo Kiev and seventeen other goals which you leapt up and cheered for, in case you actually did forget) And don't tell me to read the blogs. I write the blogs!

JAI HO! Arsenal vs. Roma

Arsenal is one free kick away from beating Roma in the Champions League. How did they do it?

A) They Cheated

B) They're Lucky

C) Wenger is a Genius

D) It is Written

Obviously the answer is D, though there is certainly about 130 minutes worth of evidence for B. But who cares? We won!!! Sweet god we won! Jai Ho!

 AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

That's is a Japanese phrase meaning: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

and also Arabic for: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

and means AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! in French (though rarely used)

Indeed that is the universal sound of victory against all odds. Like watching that guy in the movies snip the right wire on the bomb, except he's doing it for like over two hours. That match just shaved another 5 years off my life which; thanks to the combined efforts of futbol, friends and life style choices, now leaves me about 3 months left to live.

But I lived long enough to see that victory!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

This day is called the Round of Sixteen.

He that went to Nevadas, and came safe home,

will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam'd,

And rouse him at the name of Second Leg.

He that shall live this day, and see old age,

will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbors,

And say 'To-morrow is Champions League.'

Then will he don his kit and show his scarf,

and say 'This gear I wore on the Second Leg.'

Shit fans forget; yet all shall be forgot,

But he'll remember, with some counseling,

What fear he felt that day. Then shall their names,

Familiar in his mouth as household words-

Wenger the King, Walcott and Denilson,

Nasri, Persie, Diaby and Sagna,

Be in their pints freshly rememb'red.

This story shall the Gooner teach his son;

And a Round of Sixteen shall ne'er go by,

From this day forth to ending of the world,

But we in it shall be remembered-

We few, we freaked out few, we band of Gooners;

For he to-day that almost died with me

Shall be my Gooner; though he complain too much,

That day shall even make him love Bendtner;

And those Arse-Fans in day jobs, then a-work,

Shall think themselves accurs'd they did not quit;

And hold there their manhoods cheap, whiles any speaks

That watched that shit at olde Nevada Smiths!

I just made that up (with some help). would have worked better if our King Henry wasn't reigning in Spain, but it scans perfectly and you'll notice that the mentioned gunners all made their PKs. Toure was omitted for a very obvious reason which happened around the 9th minute and Almunia isn't in there because no one at the Battle of Agincourt had a four syllables in their name. Tough luck. Lehmann would have made it.

But seriously, that was about as horrifying to watch as your parents doing the Kama Sutra. Yeah, you just thought about it. Sick. And I'm not talking about how badly we played, because I don't care. I'm referring to the shear terror that comes from being in a small, dark furiously packed cave watching grown men lose their minds over a bouncy ball that could very easily roll into the wrong net. But with great sacrifice comes great honor.

It's not a secret that futbol matches frighten me more than Zombies, Cylons or even Dick Cheney; but this one was the worst. I left with my hair looking like Don King from all the sweating and pulling I was doing to it. I actually  dropped into a pitiful squat when I saw that Roma player go down in the box. Hidden in the forest of Nevada Smith legs, head in hands, I thought surely, in Italy, in Champions League, there was no way this was gonna go our way. After a brief flirtation with suicide (FYI: Devon gets my laptop, Jakes my books, and Nick can have Deanna) I arose to a world unlike any I had known. A place where linesmen and officials did not actively seek to knock Arsenal out of Europe. I was wary, but reborn.

Then it all just kept sucking. No one played particularly poorly as an individual, but the communal efforts were like watching eleven of my drunken friends trying to Riverdance. No wait, that'd be funny. This was not.

Did I mention I hadn't slept? Not a wink the night before as I was up carousing with my better(?) half. We do that. Alot. She begged me to stay and nap that afternoon, but I was compelled. Where would Hector have been had he stayed with Andromache and not fought Achilles? Where indeed? Probably still alive! And indeed I would have been too, because I would have just napped and then read 7-6 on the internet. Then I would have gone "aaahhh" and watched the PK replay, safe in the comforting blanket of retrospect. Rubbish.

I rose and  heaved my exhausted corpse to Nevada's; an hour early to get a spot. Devo, after resolutely arguing such a precaution was not necessary, showed up later and predictably got sent to the basement. Jakes had to watch the game across the street, but came on as an impact substitute for the PKs. And a sub was needed. Working on no sleep, and having endured a match that look more like Golgotha than the beautiful game, I was waiting for Wenger to hold up the board with my number on it. 

But he said "No Mark, you must have great spirit and  maturity, and watch the PKs." This may have actually happened as I was hallucinating at the time. Each kick took a lifetime, each round was the high and the crash of super drug I've never known. But...

(with his eyes closed, Almunia may have been the last person in the world to know)

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I was screaming and leaping. My exhaustion vanished like a little bouncy ball over a crossbar, and, in a mosh pit of ecstasy and sweaty gooners, I was giggling and singing with a smile I haven't worn since I first knew the pleasures of a woman. 

And that is why nothing else matters. Because Munich won on a 12-1 aggregate, United thumped the Special One, Liverpool embarrassed the greatest club in the history kicking a ball, but none of their supporters felt as good as I did in that moment. And I hope they never do.

So rant and rave all you want about poor play, luck, Bendtner or whatever you want to, because none of it matters. Go enjoy yourselves! Stop with your angry blogging and commenting. Nothing is a given in champions league. All you can do is win, and we won a shootout in frackin Italy. We are in the quarterfinals. What's point of being a Gooner, of enduring the horrors of that game, if you can't enjoy these perfect moments? Wait, hold on-

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

It just keeps happening.

Go now Gooners in Exile. Live terror free lives until Saturday. Maybe some of you should get day jobs. Ok, that is crazy, but this victory seems to make anything possible. Leave Eboue be for a day. Call your Mother. Hug a stranger. Take up a new hobby. Drink a beer. Have a good cry. I did all these things and more. Because I am a true Gooner, because sometimes a win is all you need, and because.....

D) It is written